To the older lady and gentleman crossing the square, the ones who strode so purposefully and masterfully from a side alley without checking whether I or anyone else might wish to ask if we could share their public space.  We parted before clarification was possible so I thought it better to request that next time we meet, you could explain to me exactly how I should have 'pissed off' earlier.  Certainly after wracking my brains I cannot connect your comment with anything i did, other than politely warn you that I was worried about putting you in danger (Perhaps by creasing the pajamas your wife wore, or possibly rucking your toupee) through inadvertently colliding with you using the full 20 stone of my bike, luggage and I.  Certainly this post is not to point fault at you, nobody would defend your right to walk where you wish without due care and attention more than me, in fact I am amazed you chose such a quiet time to attempt this personal activity as I am not likely to have the impact of say a 5 ton armored truck or other vehicles that regularly use the same area later in the day.  This brings me back to your advice to me to 'Piss off'.  Having consulted the learned Scribe 'Cleese' it is dawning on me that this comment may have had a duality in its meaning and I would love you to write it down, along with your names, addresses, bank details and passwords etc so I can have the pleasure of ensuring we understand each others motives and intentions more clearly the next time we meet.  I hope your day continues to be full of closely shaved incident and will certainly be at pains to repeat this exercise again at a moment of your own (random ) choosing...

Yours humbly

A

Soft Armour

To the man cycling up the middle of the dual carriageway today.

I confess I must be behind the times with the latest innovations in protective fabrics.  I had no idea that siimple Lycra could now protect the delicate body against 2 tons of metal travelling at 20 mph but I am always willing to learn otherwise.  I merely thought you terribly brave for cycling on the outside of a stream of traffic going uphill while a similar stream split from one into three lanes coming towards you.  Your tiny light was of course perfectly capable of being distinguished against the hordes of red and white car lights surrounding you and it was my own careless assumption that you would be meeting death any second.  It makes perfect sense to cycle in the centre of the road, between the two directons of traffic, for there you would be most plainly visible and therefore safest.

It is clear to me that the cushioning and medical effects of Lycra are truly remarkable and I hope that next time I observe you, you will go past the observation stage to a practical demonstration of its impact absorbing abilities by gently bouncing off any other vehicle and letting it waste its efforts, trying to crush your mighty protective gear, possibly by placing your body under a wheel? 

Truly we live in great times when the safety equivalent of a suit of armour can be contained in a scant mm of plastic cloth and I am surprised that the motorcyclists, encumbered as they are with hardened gloves, helmets and big heavy leather suits, do not use your method instead.

Yours humbly

A

Right to Live?

To the young man on the bus yesterday, the one who clearly was going to a well paid job while wearing his trendy clothes.

You are so right that I have no power to  get you to move your shoes off the seat in front of you.  It is no ones business but yours if you choose to put your wet dirty shoes on a place that someone will soon sit on wearing pricey clothes similar to yours.  I am not the bus driver, your erudite observation no doubt helped by the fact that I was not wearing uniform and that even while I was seated there, the bus continued to move.  You are spot on that you need no one else, that you are able to do what you want, when you want.  I should have thought before I asked that of course you have no responsibility to anyone and should not have to be bothered by people asking if you considered anyone else, the people who have to sit in the seat or those who need to clean it.  Luckily I kept my voice low, did not make a big scene and did not take the matter further and it would be churlish of me to do so next time we meet on that regular bus that you  take. So wrong to then stand up and ask loudly if you could move your feet off the seat, shaming you in front of those fellow passengers who see you every day.  Such hounding of an individual would of course be inconsistent with your stated view of being responsible to no one. Ironically, as John Donne would have recognised, I got off the bus just after I passed an island....

Sorrow

To the man in the grey 4x4 whose wheel cover I banged on. 

Please accept my sincerest and most abject apology for the appalling way in which I attempted to cross the road when the pedestrian light was green. Obviously you should not need to be aware of us other road sharers and you are completely within your right to force your car across the lights as they changed because you getting to work ten seconds earlier outweighs my or others right to vehicular safety. 

It s with sorrow I recall the aggressive way I banged on your wheel cover and shame fills my soul as I remember shouting 'red light' loudly and repeatedly, causing all the other drivers surrounding you to think, clearly erroneously, that you had done something wrong, clearly embarrassing you. 

Please accept this invitation to drive wherever you wish, and to show my high level of contriteness, please also accept this blindfold as a gift you can wear whenever you are behind the wheel. 

Yours Humbly

A

MISSED OPPORTUNITY

It is with a heavy heart that I had to disappoint the children who cluster so merrily on the cycle path outside their school. Usually I raise a hearty cheer shouting 'please get out of the way, it's a cycle path' and it is a testament to their fortitude that they can bear their music loud enough through headphones that it drowns out even my full throated roar. I need to apologise as if they do notice me, I often need them to break away from their ensemble acting piece, dead eye cows blocking road, in order to wheel my pitiful self past.  It is not my intention to disturb such thespian endeavours and clearly they are very committed as despite my repeated performance daily, they portray an excellent expression of surprise that I should yet again wish to pass, but today, I did not bike and I know what a deep disappointment this will be to them, forced to forgo the happy interruptions my screams of annoyance have become

Yours Humbly

A

HAMMER TIME

To work - Tuesday the 8th of October 2013

Dear sir, thank you for your email from the city council office.  I was humbled to read that your member of construction crew did not intend to intimidate me when he picked up first a hammer, then a sledgehammer and strode purposefully toward me after being asked politely to move his magnificent mini digger from the cycle path.  Clearly I misrepresented him when he asked me 'Do you want to make something of it' and it would be churlish of me to expect him to pass up the opportunity to give his younger and more impressionable colleague an object lesson in correct public interaction.  I can only believe you when you say the slight was unintended and that he will now remain courteous and take great care not to pick up tools in a deliberate manner when fielding a pointless and unhelpful inquiry from the general public.  Clearly myself and the two other cyclists with me misread the situation as you have stated that he needed these big hammers for 'laying kerbstones' and it is a sign of his zeal that he chose to save time by retrieving the hammer early, very early in fact as he told me he was involved in laying concrete, and thus seemed to brandish the hammer when walking over to me.  It was silly of me to interpret this as anything other than excellent time management and I commend his work ethic.  Clearly his decision to save money by not marking the path through the roadworks and saving even more by doing away with paint to indicate where the cycle path met the dual carriageway is an exemplary act and I expect you to recognise his marked car in not wasting equipment on us.

I hope all this has not put him off parking his equipment and leaving tools whereever he wishes and I hope that us unthinking members of the public will ensure we don't bleed over them in future encounters.

Yours humbly

A

CRUNCHY SQUISH

On way to work -Thursday the 10th of October

Dear woman with white phone pressed to her head pushing buggy

I am sincerely sorry that I even attempted to cycle past you when you were in such a deep state of conversation and the 100 yards notice you had that I was approaching at a low speed was inadequate.  Clearly the pressure of controlling a baby in a buggy, walking and talking on a mobile will be enough to take up anyone's full attention so it was understandable that you could not be responsible for your toddler who stepped out from behind the buggy at the last moment.  Clearly you should not have to be in control of your own children and it is a facile thing to have insisted this when I passed you.  I would, of course, have helped you take any bike damaged child to the hospital if this happens again, and fortunately we were minutes from a major hospital which will be some crumb of comfort to you if such a situation repeats itself.

I hope this has not put you off using advanced telecommunication equipment, simultaneously with transporting fragile members of your family on a busy shared pedestrian/cycle path.

Yours Humbly

a